House Rules

Rule #1: There are no problems that just “go away.” If you have an intermittent or even one time “issue-ette,” assume it will grow into a full-blown crisis at the worst possible moment. Usually at night in a rainstorm.

Corollary 1.1: Date a plumber and an electrician if at all possible. Simultaneously and together. Shop for an electrician who plumbs. Preferably buff.

Corollary 1.2: Always clip the “home handyman” coupon from the paper and put it in a safe place.

Rule #2: There are GOOD WEEDS. Find them and teach them to eat the BAD WEEDS. They are much more friendly to your goal (which is to do something in your life other than manage your house) than grass and don’t require such toxic chemicals to manage. Some of them grow “short” naturally, reducing the number of gas-guzzler hours you need to experience.

Rule #4: Now that you have a house, buy the BIG PACKAGE of anything that doesn’t spoil. It’s one of the chief reasons to buy a house. If you have a basement, buy TWO BIG PACKAGES of anything that doesn’t spoil. Preferably on sale.

Rule #5: Always have a book that explains how to do everything you might want to do in your house. Read the book incessantly and then hire someone to do the actual work. It will not be nearly as hard on your body.

Corollary #5.1: Independent wealth comes in handy for this rule; take a dollar a week and play the lottery.

Corollary #5.2 (Peg’s Corollary): Or derive home repair techniques from first principles.

Corollary #5.3 (Barb’s Passion):Browse hardware stores the way you browse bookstore; indeed replace two book-browsing ventures per month with hardware store foraging. When you vacation, always try out at least one (preferably Main St./downtown/old-style) hardware store before you go out to dinner the first evening in a new place. When you actually need to purchase something in a hardware store, put on your “intelligent but needy” damsel in distress personae.

Corollary #5.4 (Water Cooler Gambit): Strike up conversations about small plumbing and building projects the way you discuss movies you’ve seen and politicians you loathe. Wear a small tape recording device in your pocket to capture ideas and helpful hints that are freely given by those you interrogate.

Corollary #5.5: Study “house management lingo”. Learn to use the term “channel locks” casually. “Lolly columns” is another good word to toss in to sound knowledgeable. Use your hardware store visits as a way to acquire new words and use them to charm out more recommendations from those in the know.

Rule #6: Target is good; WalMart is bad. Study the fliers in the Sunday paper and buy EVERYTHING you actually use but only when it is on sale.

Corollary #6.1: Buy as many boxes/bins/storage cases as you can in a variety of “decorator models”—some of these can double as chairs or, for small children, beds.

Corollary #6.2: Never go into Target when orange things are seasonal. There are too many orange things in the world already.

Rule #7 – Bruce’s Rule: Collect pictures of things you like. For years and years. Look at them regularly and once you have liked the same thing for more than 10 years, buy a book about buying these items and read it “without ceasing” for 2 more years and then consider buying the item. If you still like it after 12 years, it may actually be good for you.

Corollary #7.1: Store these items in:
(a) a tidy book with an index or (for the more adventurous homeowner)
(b) folders and piles all over the house so that when you KNOW you have a picture that is just right for whatever you need to buy, you can’t possibly find it.

Corollary #7.2 (Seriously – this is actually an interesting project): I use option b of corollary 7.1 and frequently find stashes of interesting pictures and think – God! I still like all this stuff – whatever does that mean?

Rule #8: Don’t try to do more than the truly crucial things the first year. You have no idea what you want in your house until you break it in. If it’s already “broken,” you do need to fix those things.

Corollary #8.: Never clean out the light switch orifices when you are home alone using a metal screwdriver. Actually, this is a rule, not a corollary.

Corollary #8.2: Learn about the critical systems in your house, write down what you understand, and practice “doing” whatever it is that you will have to do in an emergency.

Corollary #8.3: There are regularly scheduled emergencies but no one will give you the schedule. Murphy holds it.

Corollary #8.4: Always fix water and electrical problems as soon as you find out about them. See also Rule #1.

Corollary #8.5(Lisa’s Rule): Never store the fire extinguisher in its box in the closet.

Rule #9: Assume that “household aerobics” actually count as real aerobics and (seasonally) don’t beat yourself up about not getting to the gym or out on the bike/track/whatever you do to stay fit. A good snowstorm or rock digging exercise IS exercise and you can have cookies immediately after the tasks. After lawn mowing you can have ice cream. It’s a rule.

Rule #10: You can have too many vacuuming and cleaning devices but it is hard. Try to determine (by reading your serious friend’s lists of house learning) the tools that you actually USE and buy a good one. Use Martha’s rules about keeping your tools clean and well sharpened (if appropriate). They will last a long time.

Rule #11: Find a way to get on your roof safely and practice that. It’s a great place to think and survey the kingdom and there’s frequently something that needs doing up there.

Rule #12: You will never be able to remember your parents spending so much time “fixing things that are always breaking/needing replacement”, but they did. Unfortunately, they didn’t write a book(let) and give it to you.

Corollary 12.1 (O’Connor Exemption): Peg remembers her father swearing for a long time and her mother banning him from trying to fix anything after he used the monkey wrench on the shower head to no good purpose. Consider the name of this device – are YOU a monkey? If not, do not wrench.

Rule #99: Remember, the House Rules! You are just the serf!