Message in a Spam Can

We are tickled to death to welcome Corrinne Bedecarre, philosopher of Normandale College, to our stable of unstable writers. We’ve been trying for years to cajole her to submit, as it were. Here’s the first of what we hope will be regular offerings from CB.

I am trying to communicate with the universe and I have been using many of the standard techniques with mixed success. I have concentrated on transcending competing and chaotic modes of contact. The clarity of my intentions resonates with the light of pure reason. My message has been distilled to a pure expression of my emotional and actual state. I have turned myself into a complete vessel of iterative luminosity. And yet the universe is resisting the Absolute Truth of my facticity while continuing to barrage me with its bad faith project.

I have worn the T shirt with my message. My bumper sports this theme. I have added it as a tag line to my emails. I have told known gossip mongers and compulsive talkers. It has been sung, written, prayed and chanted…….and yet the relentless attack continues. You are perhaps my last hope. So with what little strength left, I squelch my feelings of despair and pass this on to you:

I do not have a penis.

There it is. No, no, that is confusing. There it isn’t, it isn’t there. But see how it is impossible to state this? No, it is not missing, gone, lost, destroyed. It was never there but it was not NOT there--it never should have been there. I am not a presence with an absence so don’t sent me a viable substitute for 29.95. I just happen to be a creature born with an entirely different configuration.

And thus, you see, my configuration does not Need enlargement. No artificial engorgement, synthetic augmentation, mechanical stimulation, special motivation, or chemical activation. None. No, I am not in denial. I am an innie not an outie, genitally speaking. It is not broken, aged, failing, shrinking or freezing. I am intact, and without worries in that department. I don’t miss it or want it if IT is a penis attached to me in a subjective, first person personal sort of manner.

But evidently I am erroneously misattributed with said penis or penis lack or penis envy. The entire universe must believe this at the subatomic level as well as the explicit verbal level. Because I am not just on one penis list, my god, I must be on every penis list. There is not a penis related enterprise in the universe which is not after me.

If there is any influence you have on the powers that be bigger, please transmit my message.

I don’t suppose this would be a good time to mention that I do not want to view HOT HOT HOT….